Manager: None, though AFC ISIS' al-Baghdadi is forever trying to claim credit for their actions.
A disorganised, inconsistent side, with a surprising amount of persistence and a busy touring schedule.
United are determined to play as many games as they possibly can, wherever they can. Beyond their sometimes formidable opponents, the ineptness of their players is what's holding their team back. They completely lack an effective defence, and their aggressive attacking strategies ensure that no-one plays for United twice. Their players are always shot up, blown-up or tied up and having their urethras scraped out with a cocktail umbrella by the security services shortly after kick-off. (Hopefully)
The result of this is a chronic lack of experience on their bench, which is showing no signs of being improved.
They recruit widely across the West, with particular hotspots in Molenbeek, Luton, Gothenburg, Trinidad, Walsall and the crappier parts of London, Rotterdam and Paris.